The Greatest Gift You Can Give

Here we are at the end of another year. The Holiday rush is winding down. Cards have been mailed, cookies have been baked and shared (and eaten!), gifts have been unwrapped, toys are being played with, and, here in the Northeast, we're digging out of the blizzard of 2010.

Christmas is a memory now, but this year has to go down as one of the best I've had in a while. We celebrated the holiday with family, as we always do, but somehow, this year held a special magic with extra doses of fun and laughter. I've spent the last few days trying to figure out what was different this year, and I think it may be that, 'round about Thanksgiving, I made a conscious decision not to stress. As the Whos down in Whoville taught the Grinch, Christmas would come whether there were boxes and bows, cards and cookies, or not. So I decided to do the best that I could do, not try to live up to some unrealistic, self-imposed expectation, and not worry about it.

As it turns out, I still managed to get all of the things done that I usually do (even if some things got done a bit later than usual) and I managed to actually enjoy it more. Just as the Whos sang on Christmas morning, even without any of the "stuff" that they usually had for Christmas, my heart sang because it was lighter. It was the best gift I've given to myself in some time, and it was a gift to those around me, as well.

Since I wasn't all tied up in knots about what did or didn't get done, I could take in all the joy that Christmas brings, but mostly, being calmer allowed me to see that the best gifts aren't just things. The best gifts are the love, patience, and understanding that we give to one another, and we bestow those gifts by giving of our time and our thoughtfulness.

It is said that actions speak louder than words, so where we put our time and attention speaks volumes about what, and who, is really important to us. Giving Christmas presents is fun, and there's nothing like watching a loved one's face light up with joy when they open a particularly special gift. Let's not forget that what makes a gift special is not the physical thing itself, but what it represents, both to the giver and the receiver. When a present is chosen with thoughtfulness and love, it shows that the giver not only understands what's important to the receiver, but that the giver is supportive and cares about the receiver's interests. It's a symbol of caring and sharing, of nurturing and love. It's a sign that the giver has spent time and emotional energy with the receiver in mind.

As we head into a new year, I'm hoping to keep that thought uppermost in my mind. I'm hoping to remember that the greatest gift I can give to anyone - friend, family member, or even stranger - is my time. I'm hoping to remember that when someone gives me their time, that I take a minute to be grateful, for that's the greatest gift someone can give to me, too.

If we can all be as diligent about giving of ourselves as we are about buying, wrapping, and exchanging Christmas presents, perhaps 2011 will be a year filled with the peace that we all crave.

A Plea for Peaceful Language

Anyone who has ever gone toy shopping for a child quickly discovers that there are "girl toy" aisles and "boy toy" aisles. The "girl aisles" are awash in bright pinks and pastels, offering dolls and kitchen sets, while the "boy aisles" are covered in black and camouflage colors, offering cars, trucks, and "action figures".
As the mother of two boys, I've spent many hours shaking my head in disgust as I see shelf after shelf filled with violence disguised as toys for boys. There are (turn on your best over-excited announcer voice when you read these) Awesome Smashing, Crashing Hot Wheels and Matchbox car sets, MegaMorph Transformers with Realistic Bazooka Blasters, Ultra Long Range Nerf Bombers with Ammo Boosters, and the list goes on and on. Now, for the record, none of these toy names are real - I've made them all up - but they do represent the kinds of toys our children are playing with.

I've had a tough ban on violence in our home, and I have to tell you, it's getting harder and harder to enforce as the years roll by. Why is that? It's because violence is all around us...everywhere...everyday...day in and day out, and I think we've become very blase about it. In fact, I suspect that we're not even consciously aware of most of what we say and hear.

Look at the language, the words and phrases we use everyday. We're fighting crime, fighting hunger, fighting disease, fighting for our rights, fighting against injustice, and fighting to get our economy back on track. When we're not fighting, we're battling. We all have loved ones who are battling cancer, we're battling the bulge, and battling unemployment. When we're not fighting or battling, we're in an all out war. We have the war on terrorism, the war on drugs, and we're waging two real life wars in Iraq and Afghanistan - wars that are taking the very real lives and very real limbs of our country's young men and women.

Is it any wonder that the hottest video game for children this Holiday Season is Call of Duty: Black Ops? No, I did not make that name up - it's for real. And what's very disturbing to me is that copies of this game are flying off the shelves...into our children's hands. We're perpetuating the cycle and passing our numbness onto our little ones, and that is such a frightening notion to me.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm all for eradicating hunger, poverty, illnesses, injustice, crime, and so on. I just think it's time to shift the way we speak and think about it to a more positive, supportive, and healing vocabulary. Fighting and battling creates hatred and enemies - us against them - without any understanding or empathy, and I think everyone loses in the end. I saw a bumper sticker a while back that said something to the effect of "War doesn't prove who's right, it just shows who's left". Amen to that.

Just think for a second: have you ever seen or heard of any Spiritual Leader or Enlightened One walking around armed to the teeth? Was the Baby Jesus laid in the manger with his beloved M-80? Did the Buddha carry a bazooka? Did Gandhi have a pistol strapped to his ankle? Did Mother Theresa minister to the poor with her trusty Smith and Wesson? No! The very thought is ludicrous.

If we are to follow in the footsteps of those we hold up as Spiritual role models, we need to begin by changing our language and the way we think about our problems. It's not really as hard as it sounds. Instead of fighting cancer, we can Race for the Cure. The same is true for any cause, whether it's medical, political, social, economic, whatever. Leave the negativity behind and move forward, towards the positive. Research and find the root causes. Provide treatment and promote healing. Explore alternatives. Be open to new ideas and ancient healing practices. Share. Talk. Listen. Understand. Learn. Try. But, for heaven's sake, please let's stop fighting all the time.

A Mother's Love

I'm a full time Mom, but at one time (long ago, in a galaxy far, far away, so it seems) I worked outside the home. I had business cards with my name boldly printed on them, along with a fancy title meant to impress others and convey my importance in this world. I had succinctly composed goals and objectives. My progress was reviewed annually and my salary was adjusted commensurate to my performance. When people asked what I did, I had a great and impressive answer and it generated lots of questions and conversation. In short, I was working and I had value in the eyes of others.

Now I'm a full time Mom. I don't receive a paycheck or an electronic funds transfer once a month. I don't get personal or sick days off. I don't get paid vacation days. No company holidays either. My goals are long ranging, far reaching, and sometimes difficult to articulate. My objectives are fuzzy and can often shift from day to day or hour to hour. When people ask what I do and I answer that I'm a full time Mom, I get a rather sickly sweet smile and a nod and all conversation comes to a screeching halt. No questions...no interest...nothing.

Sometimes I press on and say that I LOVE what I do - which is the absolute truth - and I say that I work harder now than I ever did in the corporate world - which is also absolutely true. Then I get that question - you know the one - "do you think you'll ever go back to work?" as though Motherhood is a temporary blip of insanity in an otherwise sane and properly lived life. I usually say, "absolutely not", but what I REALLY want to say is something more along the lines of, "I know you think I gave up something grand and important just to wash clothes and vacuum carpets, but really, I gave up nothing and I have gained everything. And, if I spend all of my day and all of my week giving my time and energy to the corporate world, who will love my children?"

I have nothing against working Moms and Dads, and I know they love their children deeply. Some people enjoy working and they're probably happier people and are, therefore better parents because they're happy. But that's not who I am, and that's not how I feel I best express my deep, deep love for my children.

A Mother's love is indescribably deep and wide. It's unconditional, ever enduring, unending, and it has an amazing quality that makes you feel like it's a real, tangible thing that you can actually touch, while also feeling like you could never possibly hold it all in your arms at once. It feels like you are surrounded by it on the outside, and yet you hold it all inside of you, all at the same time. A Mother's love begins before the child is born and lasts forever and ever. I heard a woman once say that a Mother's love is the Mother load. Yes indeed, it is.

I would love, just once, when someone asks what I do and I tell them I'm a full time Mom, to have them smile in amazement, shake their head with wonder, and say something like, "That is such an important task and I am so impressed that you devote so much of your time and energy to your children's physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being." I am, after all, touching the future.

Pray All Ways

Every week in my parish, there's a theme or core message for Sunday Mass that I also think of as a meditation or an idea to ponder for the week. The phrase this morning was "Pray always", which I take to mean pray through the day and the week and all through your life. Every relationship needs open lines of communication and prayer is a good way to communicate with God to keep that relationship strong, so praying is a good thing.

I got to thinking, what if, instead of 'always' it could be 'all ways'. Pray all ways. Pray with your words, with your heart, with your actions and deeds, with your hands, with your intentions...all ways. Well, that kicks it up a notch, wouldn't you say?

My Mom always used to say "a thought is a prayer". Just thinking of someone is a prayer for their good health and safety; it's a prayer for peace in their life and in their heart. Thinking can be praying.

Actions can be prayers. Hugging a frightened child, caring for someone who's ill, holding the hand of a grieving friend are all prayers for healing and comfort, and they all involve using our hands in active prayer.

Even our very breathing can be praying. When my husband and I were first trying to have a baby, every breath I took seemed to be a prayer for fertility. The second I saw a positive result on the pregnancy test, my breathing instantly became prayers of thanksgiving.

We can even find prayer in the most mundane, unglamorous, tedious everyday chores. Laundering countless pounds of dirty clothes, can be a prayer that my family walks out the door each morning securely wrapped in Mom's love and affection. Planning and preparing meals can be a prayer that my family is always healthy and well-nourished. Washing endless piles of dirty dishes, can be a prayer for a clean slate - that we forgive each other's mistakes and start fresh. Weeding the garden, can be a prayer for clarity - that I see and nurture my children's goodness.

Even writing this blog can be a prayer...that somehow, somewhere along the line, my words can have a positive impact or influence on another person's life.

I think an important part of Praying All Ways is to do it intentionally, and by that I mean, to be aware of the prayer. Be aware of God working with you and through you to bring goodness into another's life. Be aware of the power of the smallest of gestures to lift someone's mood or alter the course of their day for the better. Know that the mundane and tedious actions (prayers) are, in many ways, far more important and powerful than the public, and perhaps glamorous ones.

Yup, "Pray All Ways" is a powerful phrase to ponder, and it's an even more powerful gift to give to the world. So please, join with me and pray all ways.

What Do You Stand For?

I've spent the last two days trying to recover from a nasty sinus infection, so when I haven't been sleeping, I've been watching way too much daytime tv. You know, there's really lots of nothing on all day and it all seems to be paid for by the same sponsors...it's amazing.

Since Election Day is drawing near, 'tis the season for political ads and smear campaigns. Everyone calls everyone else a liar and a cheat, everyone promises to clean up the County, State, or Municipality, everyone has vast experience, and, lately, everyone is an outsider who will bring fresh views and ideas to the job. I don't mean to be cynical, but I've been voting for some time now, and I have yet to see any great revolutions in the way government is run on any level. But that's not the point I'd like to make right now.

Candidates always try to differentiate themselves by what they stand for. Now, most of us will never run for public office, but I think it's worth while to ponder the question, 'What do you stand for?'

What does it mean to 'stand for' something, anyway? It means you believe in it, you support it, you'd vote for it, but is that as far as you'll go? Will you 'stand up' and 'stand out' for it? Will you speak out for it? Will you risk criticism or sidelong glances from others or put your money where your mouth is by donating money or your time to the cause? Will you write letters and sign your name? Will you stand for something by standing behind your words, meaning will you say what you believe in public and not just when you're working the grapevine or gossip circuit? And, perhaps most important of all, will you live by your own words? Will you walk the talk and, in so doing, inspire others to join you?

These are all important questions because they have the power and the potential to influence our decisions and actions, both large and small, on a daily basis. For example, I believe in leaving as small a footprint on this Earth as I can - I'm green (maybe I should type that Green), and have lived that way for many years.
I have an organic garden and compost my kitchen scraps (my husband calls me a dirt farmer). My electricity needs are not just met, but are exceeded by the solar panels mounted on my garage roof. When it was time to redo the kitchen, I opted for cork flooring and Ice Stone counter tops. I hang laundry on my clothesline to dry. I cook in my solar oven whenever possible. I buy organic produce as often as I can. I purchase recycled products as much as possible. And the list goes on. My point is, being green (or Green, as the case may be) influences, or maybe even drives, my little day-to-day choices as well as my big ticket buying decisions, and I think that's a good thing. Environmental responsibility is not the only thing I stand for, but it's certainly on my top 5 list.

It's important to know where you stand and to 'walk the talk' because then you can live honestly and authentically. You can be yourself and be true to your values. You can think about and work on things that are important to you. You can live with integrity, and that is a mighty powerful, satisfying, and liberating place to be.

So the question is: what do you stand for? What drives your day-to-day choices and decisions? Is it something that you can be proud of? If it is, that's wonderful. If it isn't, then change it. Life is too short to continue down unworthy and uninteresting paths. If you have no idea, then perhaps it's time for some quiet time and introspection so that you can figure it out. If you can't put it into words, you can't put it into practice, and that's no way to go about life.

Know Where You're From

My last two weeks have been filled with angst. Stress, frustrations, irritations...you name it. It was not a fun time. All the while, I tried to resolve the situations one by one, rushing to fight the proverbial fires here and there, never feeling like I got anywhere and getting more and more irritated and exhausted by the hour.

My husband and boys went camping this weekend, which gave me a great opportunity to chill out, breathe, and see if I could find the big picture view to put the last 2 weeks into perspective. On my way to the library, I was listening to a Bob Marley CD. The lyrics to one of his songs go like this, "We know where we're going. We know where we're from." And there it was - the perspective to help me rise above it all and dump the angst.

I know from whence I come. All 4 of my grandparents were immigrants from Poland. They came with next to nothing and built lives and and raised families in a strange country. They may not have been educated and they certainly were not wealthy, but they were not afraid of hard work and they learned whatever they needed to know to raise their children and make sure they were educated. My grandparents were strong people, both physically and spiritually, whose courage, determination, and perseverance is at the root of the U.S. branch of my family tree.

As every gardener knows, what comes in through the roots of a plant is used to send out blossoms and, once those flowers are pollinated, ultimately nourish the fruit. As the roots of my tree, my grandparents' strength, courage, determination, and perseverance is in me. I come from a family of survivors. They faced fears and jumped over hurdles that I'm sure I can not begin to imagine, so why should I let some day-to-day irritations get the better of me? I don't have to leave my country for a chance at a better life somewhere else, I don't have to worry about feeding my family, I don't have to worry about my children's health or their educational opportunities. Life is relatively easy.

Once I remembered where I come from and how far we have come in 2 short generations, the stress and frustration of the past weeks melted away. I regained my focus, realizing that I'm a survivor. I'm strong and courageous. I live my convictions and teach my children to do the same. Nothing and no one will trample me for long, for I have the fortitude and perseverance to get right back up again and keep on going.

I tell you all of this so that, when life gets difficult, you, too may remember and draw strength from where you have come. We've all been beaten up by life. We've all lived through crises, drama, and trauma. And we are all still (hopefully) going forward.

Know where you're going and know where you're from. Look back for strength, look forward with hope and conviction, and keep following the path that you know to be right for you.

Go Within & Live It Out

I was watching a rerun of Oprah the other day and Diane Sawyer was talking to a fan of hers who is a newscaster on a local Illinois television station. In the conversation, Ms. Sawyer said (and I'm paraphrasing) 'As long as what you care about on the inside matches what you're doing on the outside, you'll have rocket fuel to power your life and your dreams'. Wow, isn't that a powerful statement?

I think sometimes we manage to demonstrate our values by behaving and living in a particular way, but it seems to me that we could all use a booster when it comes to actually matching what's inside us to what we're doing in the world. First, we have to know, and be able to articulate, what we care about and what really is inside us. The things we care about are probably fairly easy to identify, but what is really inside us? That seems to be a bit harder.

Now, perhaps Ms. Sawyer was just speaking about career choices and paths when she used the words 'what's inside us', but I want to challenge us all to take a broader meaning to those words. I want to challenge us to include all of our values, all of our hopes, and all of our dreams, for ourselves and for future generations. What's inside us also includes our life purpose, our destiny, our unique potential for greatness, in short, our soul's reason for coming into this life via this human body at this time in history.

In order to know what's inside us, we need to answer: Who am I and why am I here? Not an easy task, I know. It takes a journey inward, patience, sometimes courage, and a true desire to live a fabulous life being all you are meant to be. But first, we must be willing to enjoy some quiet time away from the hustle and bustle of our daily routines. Set aside your To Do list for 10 minutes - don't worry, it won't disappear - and just close your eyes and breathe. Let your body relax for a change. Embrace the quiet and the stillness and let your worries drift away. Then, when you feel calm, ask yourself "What's inside me?" or "Why am I here?" I know it sounds silly to ask yourself such questions, but if you don't already know, how will you find out if you don't ask?

Now comes the tricky part. Just let the answers drift into your mind - don't judge or criticize them, don't censor them, don't push them away because you think they're silly - just let the answers come.

If you set aside time to be still and listen every couple of days, you'll soon begin to piece together a fairly good picture of who you are and why you're here. Then you can begin aligning what you're doing on the outside with what's really on the inside.

I call that Going Within and Living it Out. We journey inward to reacquaint ourselves with our spirit, then we take the wisdom and beauty we find there, bring it out, live it, and share it with the world. It's kind of like a caterpillar cocooning itself and then emerging as a beautiful butterfly.

So I challenge each of us to spend a little time cocooning, beginning a journey within, and listening to our hearts and souls. Then live it out and let's see how many wondrous changes we can create in our lives, in our families, and in our world.