Wisdom

About 15 years ago, I was coming out of a concert with a friend of mine and we were noticing that we were probably the oldest people in the whole arena. She turned to me and said, "Don't you wish we could be that young again?" and I immediately (and truthfully) replied, "No." My friend gave me a funny look, so I told her that my teens and twenties were full of rough times that I don't ever want to relive, but, more importantly, I now have wisdom that I could not possibly have had at that age.

Today I'm celebrating my 50th birthday (which is why age has been on my mind!), and I have to tell you that while it feels a little odd to have the word "fifty" attached to the words "I am", I'm truly happy to be exactly where I am now.

Our culture is so focused on youth and the external veneer of looking young, from cosmetics to plastic surgery and everything in between. But a veneer is just that - it's not solid and real, it's a deception, a denial of real life. Personally, I prefer to focus on the internal...to feel strong and energetic, happy and carefree, grateful and hopeful. I live by the theory that how I am feeling and living on the inside will just naturally be revealed on the outside. I also look for and embrace Life Lessons, which bring learning and growing, knowledge, and wisdom.

I cherish wisdom for the many gifts that it brings:
- deep, deep gratitude for where I am, physically and spiritually
- deep gratitude for the people who share my daily journey...my husband and children
- deep gratitude for my extended family and my dearest friends
- an understanding that not every battle needs to be fought
- true patience with life's annoyances because, as my Mom used to say, "This, too, shall pass"
- the understanding that I am not obliged to agree with others' opinions of me or my work
- a deep trust in my intuition, my gut feel, my hunches, and my connection to the Divine
- the knowledge that kindness and pure intentions win out over belligerence and deception every time
- the ability to shift my point of view, to look at a situation from a different angle, to see choices where others might say there are none
- the understanding that, while I may not be able to change a situation, I can always change my reaction to it
- the ability to live, act, speak, and walk with grace

Yup, today I turn 50 and I do not accept the notion that age necessitates decrepitude. Rather, I embrace the wisdom of the elders and I look forward to many more years of experience and learning, and many more birthdays to celebrate.

When your next birthday rolls around, may you have the wisdom to do the same.

Valuable You

In the midst of all of my family's End-of-the-School-Year activities, I've been mulling over what I wanted to say next on this blog, and it was my 5th grader's teachers and bus driver who finally inspired me. Of course, they have no idea they did this, and that makes their seed of inspiration that much more powerful.

Whenever teachers and parents get together, they naturally talk about the children. Parents want to get the "inside scoop" of what goes on in the classroom and how their child is doing, and teachers look for ways to compliment and encourage the parents and student.

We all know that a good student is a joy to teach and a valuable asset to any classroom, but what makes a "good student"? Well, in various conversations this afternoon, I heard the teachers saying things like, she's so caring and sensitive, he has a heart of gold, she's wonderfully conscientious, it was so nice to see how s/he really opened up during the year, and I wish we had a classroom full of students like him. The teachers were grateful for good behavior, but they were really focusing in on character traits and on who the children are and what's in their hearts and souls. I never once heard, oh she's a great student because her clothes are so nice, oh he has the most expensive school supplies, or she has the best backpack. It even sounds silly to read things like that, doesn't it?

That observation lead me to think about people, in general. We all know that a good person is a joy to be around and a valuable asset to the neighborhood and community. So what makes a "good person"? If we follow the lead of my son's teachers, a good person is defined by their character and what's in their heart and soul.

Do we always live as though that's true? Do we believe, and live as though, our value lies within our hearts and souls, or are we focused on the outward symbols and signs of success and wealth? Are we happy with what we have or always looking to accumulate the latest and greatest? And when we get the latest and greatest, do we share them to spread the joy or are we really just showing off? Are we keeping to our budgets or "keeping up with the Joneses"?

I think it might be wise to follow the lead of our teachers and spend more time finding and appreciating the goodness in our hearts. Instead of accumulating more material things, we should accumulate more good friends and good relationships. Instead of tallying up our millions of dollars, we should tally up our hours of service to others. Instead of worrying about having all that everyone else has, we should worry about alleviating the stress that others may be carrying. Instead of teaching our children that more is better through our buying habits and actions, we should be teaching them that less is more when it comes to material possessions, and more is better when it comes to love, affection, caring, listening, and time spent together.

We are born, after all, with just our hearts and souls. When we die, we re-enter the Spiritual World not with the physical possessions that we've accumulated, but with the wisdom and knowledge we have accumulated through the use of our special God given talents and gifts.

The treasures in life can not be purchased, horded, held, or seen. The true treasures in life are felt in our hearts, known to our souls, and given away as much and as often as possible.

I ask you to look within and ponder your greatness. Appreciate what makes you a "good person". Then go and be the treasure to this world that you were born to be.

Adapting to Change

There's a Joni Mitchell song with the lyrics, "Don't it always seem to go that we don't know what we've got 'till it's gone." How true that is in so many ways. The song was written as a lament about people's destruction of the environment (the next line is, "They paved paradise and put up a parking lot" Feel free to hum along as you read...I know I'll be humming as I type!), but I find that it applies equally well to so very many areas of our lives.

Parents of newborns and infants crave a good night's sleep and hands-free child care, while parents of older children wish they could hold their babies again. Parents of toddlers would love to sit still for more than 30 seconds and long to have their children occupy themselves, while parents of teens wish for the days when their children were underfoot and they knew exactly what they were up to...and with whom.

We spend years going through school with our classmates and can't wait to graduate and get away from them all, only to spend oodles of money and time travelling to and attending class reunions. Some people marry, divorce, and then remarry their ex-spouse. I guess they couldn't stand being married to and then couldn't stand being divorced from the other person.

Life is all about change and phases, growth and movement and sometimes, actually oftentimes, it's hard to adapt. Why is that? Is it that change implies a loss of some kind? Does growth mean the new has to push out the old and leave it behind? If the old isn't useful anymore, then it should be left behind, right? It's like baby teeth being pushed out and replaced by adult teeth. It's a good thing, but it still hurts and sometimes bleeds.

Do we perceive change as a negative thing because we focus on what's gone instead of the new, perhaps better opportunity that's on its way into our lives? And why are we reluctant to let the old go? Perhaps it's because we didn't fully appreciate it while we had it. Or maybe we really did appreciate what we had at the time that we had it, so we don't want to be without it. Maybe we'll have to change our daily routines and habits in order to hang on to whatever it is that's ready to go, and that in itself brings change into our lives. Oh my, I'm getting myself dizzy!

In case it's not obvious, I'm taking a song lyric about something physical and applying it to the more emotional areas of our lives. This all came about because friends of ours will be moving across the country in a few weeks. Our 5th graders went to preschool together and while I don't see them every day, it has always been a highlight of my day to get together at school functions or bump into each other around town. I had to say goodbye to my friend last night and it brought me to tears, which have lasted into today.

Overall, this move is good for my friends, but I'm emotionally stuck in the pain of losing their physical nearness in the neighborhood. I don't want to see all the good things in this move. I'm missing them before they have even left the state. Yes, we can email and write and visit, but we all know, even as we say these things, that it's not the same...and perhaps it shouldn't be. It's time for them to move and grow and embrace new experiences, much like a young adult moving out and heading off to college. The parents know they'll be home again, but not for long and not for good, and it really won't be the same.

So how do we deal with these changes that life brings us? First, I think we need to spend some time feeling, really feeling, whatever emotions we have. Emotions need to be recognized and lived and felt, not ignored and stuffed. I think the process of feeling and walking through the emotions leads us to a place of acceptance where we can see the good in the change that we're facing. But before all of that, I feel we'd all be better off if we took the time to really appreciate all that we have right now in our lives.

I'm back to gratitude. Gratitude for the big things and the small things and all the things in between. Be aware, be present, be grateful. Be honest and truthful, with yourself and with others. Be kind and helpful. Be the person you would like to have as a friend. Tell your friends how much you care. Tell your family that you love them. Hug your children, no matter how old or how tall they are. Notice and appreciate everything and everyone in your life.

Capture each moment in your memory and cherish it, for changes are coming. Changes are always coming. Love where you are so that you'll be ready to grow and shift when you need to. Know, truly know what you have before it's gone, and maybe, just maybe, the really important things won't disappear at all.

Roots & Wings

Somewhere in the back of my mind sits a quote I read several years ago encouraging parents to provide 2 things for their children: roots and wings. The roots are to keep them grounded and the wings are to allow them to take flight into adulthood. I like that idea and I strive to provide both for my own children, but I'm beginning to wonder if our conventional notion of roots and wings are broad or deep enough.

When I think of roots, I envision a stately shade tree rooted in the Earth, stable and steady, strong and tall. I picture a network of roots, deep and wide, anchoring the tree in place year after year. When I think of roots, I also envision shrubs and wildflowers planted on hillsides and beside highways, lush and beautiful in the summer sun. Not only do their roots anchor the plants to the ground, they also serve to hold the soil in place, keeping erosion under control. Roots anchor, hold, and provide a sturdy foundation upon which to grow.

When I think of my husband and I "putting down roots", I think of settling into a neighborhood, buying a house, and turning that house into our cozy home. Our home is the stable foundation for our family, anchoring us in place. It's where we keep our favorite stuff, the place where we live and eat and sleep, our safe haven in the world. But once we've created our cozy nest for ourselves, are we done? Is that all there is to providing roots for ourselves and our children? Are our roots in just one physical place? No, I think there's much more to it than that.

I believe there's an unseen emotional and psychological component to our roots, not just the physical or tangible. Our roots include our family members, immediate and extended, and the relationships we have together. They include our history, our shared memories, our celebrations, our habits and traditions, and our stories. In fact, more than roots, I think we create a web that acts like a safety net to catch us when we fall, a trampoline on which to play and experiment and flex our muscles, and a wonderful trellis that supports us as we climb to reach our greatest aspirations.

I believe that we all, no matter what our age, need to recognize, honor, and nurture our root system (and our web) in order to continue to stand tall and strong. We do this by learning about and remembering our past, sharing what we've learned, and passing it on. We do this by gathering together, on a regular basis, to celebrate, to talk, to listen, to make new memories, and just to spend time together.

Our emotional roots and webs, when well-nurtured, know no distance and no bounds. They are long and wide enough to reach over miles and miles of geographical distance and flexible enough to bend and twist through time. They are strong enough to hold 2 people or 2002, and they don't care if family members are related by blood or simply by love.

So I give my children roots by providing a loving, cozy, home for them. I also give them roots (and a web) by bringing them to family gatherings of all kinds, in all different locations, to give them the gift of time to spend with the people who love them just because they were born.

What about wings? Wings allow us to fly off into independence and our adulthood. I also think that wings lift us up so that we can see the big picture to better understand our place in the world. They take us on new adventures and to new places, both physical and spiritual, so that we may encounter new ideas that we can integrate into our own lives and different points of view to broaden our thinking and tolerance. Perhaps most importantly of all, wings bring us back to where we started, so that we can truly appreciate how far we've come, how much we've grown, and how many people are still here to love and support us. Wings carry us back to our roots so that we may refresh, replenish our energy, regroup, and reaffirm our connections to one another.

I'm helping my children exercise and strengthen their wings in the hopes that they will follow my lead, not only by soaring to their greatest possible heights, but by returning, time and again, to the places and people where it all began.

Clear the Clutter

Yesterday was Memorial Day - our unofficial end of Spring and beginning of Summer. I was all set to throw up my arms and shout "Hooray!" when I realized what that means...I'm behind on my Spring Cleaning! Well how did that happen? I was doing so well in March and even into April...sorting out, finding "lost" stuff, filing away, clearing closets, giving away, donating all over the place - I was a veritable white tornado. Then April slipped into May (and now into June, but don't remind me) and I lost my oomph. I was cheered by the thought that Spring doesn't officially end until June 21st, so I actually have a few more weeks before declaring myself delinquent, but that joy was kind of short-lived. After all, it's just procrastination disguised as astute Solstice observance. What am I procrastinating about, anyway?

Just look at my sewing room. It's the only room in my house that's mine, mine, all mine...no boys allowed and it's a cluttered mess with ugly piles of "stuff" everywhere, and there's only one person responsible for it all - me. Bummer. So why don't I just clean it up and enjoy the spacious, organized, creative room of my dreams? Because it's easier to keep things the same (even if we say we don't like the way things are) than it is to take a risk and make an effort to change.

Then I got to thinking (no, really, I was thinking, not just procrastinating some more) that maybe our aversion to clearing out the physical clutter in our lives is not much different from our aversion to clearing out the emotional clutter in our lives. Just as we have old stuff hanging around that's really not useful to us anymore, we probably have old thought patterns and beliefs (about ourselves, mostly) that really ought to go, too. You know the ones I mean - those negative things we tell ourselves all the time, like "I'm not good at that" or "I'm too old for this" or "I can't" or "But what if they don't like me" or "I'm not smart enough" or maybe the worst one of all, "I'm not worth it".

I say it's high time we all decided to clear the clutter of tired, worn out, completely unnecessary negative self-talk. Be strong! Be ruthless! Be stingy - don't give it away! Just pull it out into the open and get rid of it once and for all!

"I'm not good at that"
We are all, each and every one of us, good at something and, luckily, we're all good at different things. God gave each of us talents and gifts to share with each other. That's right, you got some and I got some and that crabby person in front of you on line at the store got some, too. Now that you cleaned those pesky negative phrases out of your emotional closet, you might be better able to see your talents hiding in the back. Pull them out into the light, dust them off, celebrate and share them with the world!

"I can't"
Why say you can't when you haven't even tried. Isn't that silly? I'm not saying to live in a fantasy world. For instance, I know that at this moment in time, I can not skate as fast as an Olympic speed skater, but I can ice skate and I do have fun skating with my children. I know that my quilts would not earn a blue ribbon if I had them judged, but I can make lovely quilts and I don't really care what some quilt judge might have to say about them. I know I'm not an award winning chef, but I can cook and my family is well-fed, well-nourished and happy with the meals I prepare. We don't always have to be the best of the best in every facet of life. Sometimes "good enough" is terrific and trying and practicing is even better.

"But what if they don't like me"
What if they do? Won't that be fun? You won't know until you try. And so what if they don't? Who are "they" anyway, and who says they know anything about anything? Does one person's negative opinion change who you are? Do all of your talents, all of your loved ones, all of your friends disappear because one person decides not to like you for whatever reason? Be the best you can be and let others do as they will. If they don't like you it's probably because they have tons of clutter in their emotional closets! Be grateful yours is getting clearer every day and just go around those who might be stuck.

"I'm not worth it"
This is right up there with "I'm not good enough" and "I don't deserve..." and it's an easy trap to fall into, but I'm here to tell you that it's just complete nonsense. Let me offer you a challenge. Think of someone in your life who loves you very much. Maybe it's a child or grandchild, maybe it's your spouse, maybe it's your best girlfriend, or maybe it's your parent. I'll bet they're very special to you and you respect their opinion. Right? Now look at yourself through their eyes. What do you see? Better yet - what does your heart "see"... and feel?

Put those images, words, phrases, and feelings into your emotional toolbox and let them help push the negatives out. Go back to them often and know that your one special someone is always in your corner supporting you. Then go find another special someone who you can support and let them look at themselves through your loving eyes.

Whether it's Spring or Summer, early or late, clear the clutter and pass it on.

Don't Take Life For Granted

When I became pregnant with my first child, I decided to become a full-time, stay at home Mom. I knew I was very fortunate to be able to make that choice (financially) and once my son was born, I was very happy not to be a working Mom. When my second son was born, I felt even more blessed to have the financial security to continue to be a full-time Mom, and I was even more thrilled with my decision to turn my back on corporate life in order to open my arms and my heart to my children.

I've been keeping the home fires burning for about 11 years now, and I've learned a lot about taking things for granted...mostly because I often feel that all of my work and effort are taken for granted within our little family. Clothes are magically cleaned, folded and put away. Favorite foods appear in the fridge and the pantry. Dirty dishes disappear from the sink and dishwasher, magically reappearing in the cabinets, all sparkling clean. Floors clean themselves, errands are run, birthday presents bought and wrapped, library books returned, and school supplies (even those last minute project supplies) magically show up at just the right moment.

Of course, you and I know there's nothing "magic" about running a household - Mom does it all. So I grouse now and then, as most Moms probably do, and then I get a little more help, but, in time, it dwindles back down until the next time I grouse. Between you and me, my grousing probably coincides with phases of the moon, but I haven't taken the time to pin that down as of yet.

All of that said, I must admit that I am just as guilty of taking things for granted myself, and I find that it takes a bit of a nudge to realize and admit it. As a stay at home Mom, I can go to the grocery stores on a mid-week morning and cruise through pretty effortlessly. I take that for granted until I make the mistake of trying to zip through on a Sunday afternoon. There is no such thing as "zipping through" the parking lot, let alone the store itself, on a weekend. My time during the day is pretty flexible, which allows me to volunteer a great deal in my boys' schools and to generally "be available" for whatever presentation or show crops up. I take that flexibility for granted until I bump into a conflict that I just can't clear, and I realize how fortunate I usually am. I take my health and stamina for granted until I'm knocked down by something major, like bronchitis, or even a more minor sinus infection. Worse than that, I take my children's health for granted until I see or hear stories of seriously or terminally ill children.

It's human nature, I suppose, to expect, without even thinking about it, that life will go on tomorrow just as it does today. It's human nature, I suppose, to think that we are in the absolute worst situation of anyone on the planet, until we hear of the tragedy that someone else is dealing with. It's human nature, I suppose, to expect others to lift us up when we need it without ever offering to lift anyone else, or to expect that all that needs to be done will be done without our hands getting dirty. Perhaps it's human nature, but that doesn't make it right.

This planet that we live on and this life that we have are very precious and very fragile. The children that we are blessed with are incredibly precious...and they can be fragile, too. Our family ties, whether it's family we're born into or family we choose, are priceless. Our time with one another is limited in so many ways, so it must be savored, cherished, and treasured.

But how do we stop taking life for granted and begin enjoying it more? Gratitude. Start small and work your way up. Instead of complaining about all that went wrong, be grateful for the little things that go right in your day - your children got to the bus stop on time, there's just enough milk for your coffee, and you sailed through 3 green lights on your way to wherever (probably to buy more milk!). Be grateful for things that others do for you and say "thank you"...preferably with a real, honest to goodness smile on your face. Ok, maybe the smile is pushing it, but at least notice other people's efforts and say "thank you".

Be grateful for at least one thing, each and every day because that will force you to take notice. And if you're taking notice you're not taking for granted, and that will change your whole day. And when you've racked up 7 changed days, you've changed a week. And as you change your weeks, your partner and your children might just follow your lead and begin to notice and be grateful, too, so their days will change. And before you know it, we've made a real difference in each other's lives and in the world. That may not be human nature, but it surely feels right to me.

Lessons from the Garden

Among the many words I use to describe to myself, this time of year, gardener is my favorite. You know how the smell of freshly mown grass trumpets "Spring" through the air? I like that well enough, but what really gets my heart pumping is the sight and smell of freshly tilled soil. I don't see "dirt", I see opportunities, possibilities and many, many lessons, and that's my favorite part of being a gardener.

What kind of lessons can be found in the garden? Life lessons, of course! While they may often be disguised as simple plant trivia or pest control strategies, don't be fooled into thinking that God's not trying to convey a deeper meaning. For example, take the following:

You can't rush a cucumber.
Plants grow on their own schedule - not yours. Just because you've been delayed in planting your seeds or seedlings does not mean that the plants will rush to catch up to your preconceived notion of a schedule. Conversely, just because you're over anxious one year and get all those veggie seedlings in the ground a month early does not mean that you will be relishing those first cucumbers any earlier than usual. In fact, the plants may end up suffering in the oddball late frost. The gardener can not coax, cajole, bribe, or intimidate a plant into setting fruit before it is ready to do so. Cucumbers are fully developed and ready when they're ready and not 1 minute sooner.

Life lesson? Stop rushing. If it doesn't work for a cucumber, it's probably not going to work (in the long run) for people either. Life happens as it happens, other people will do as they do, so sit back, take a few deep breaths, and enjoy the ride. Let each experience in your life fully develop before you rush onto the next one. Corollary: Stop rushing your children, too....and your spouse...and your co-workers...and...well, you get the idea.

Companion planting works quite well.
Companion planting is the practice of planting different veggies and flowers right next each other to create a mutually beneficial growing environment. Corn stalks act as trellises and support for pole beans, parsley keeps tomato horn worms from eating the life out of your tomato plants, and marigolds keep all sorts of garden pests at bay while looking mighty pretty all the while.

Life lesson? Don't try to go it alone - buddy up. Companions of all shapes, sizes, and backgrounds will bring many added benefits to your life. Plus, you'll get a chance to share your special gifts and talents with them, too. And just like in the garden, the best companions provide support and keep the pests at bay. ;-)

The gardener does not have total control.
You buy the best tomato seedlings, plant them deeply in perfectly amended soil, in the perfect location where they can soak up 6 hours of sun a day, and water at the roots, just enough, but not too much. What happens next? Along comes a blight and you harvest only a few sad little tomatoes, or you're assaulted by a freak summer hail storm that knocks all the green tomatoes off the vine, or that doggone groundhog takes just 3 bites out of each and every red tomato on the vines (can you tell I've had vast experience with groundhogs over the last few years?).

Gardening, my friend, is an optimist's game. While there's a lot that can be done to ensure a successful harvest, there is almost just as much that is totally out of the gardener's hands. We can only do our best and let nature take care of the rest.

Life lesson? Give up the need to constantly be in control of every piddly little detail in life. In fact, sometimes it's good to give up control of some big things, too. I know you're wondering who'll take control if we let it go. God, of course. Or the Creator, or your Higher Power, or the Universe...whatever name you choose to use for the One who made us and all that's around us. For just like gardening, life is an optimist's game. No one gets out alive. Take a chance and let someone else drive for a bit - I think you'll find it's a nice change of pace.

There's always more than enough to share.
When it comes to gardens and sharing, I have one word for you - zucchini. Fellow gardeners know exactly what I mean...no matter how few plants we plant each year, we end up with pounds and pounds of this prolific little beauty. Non-gardeners know exactly what I mean because every year their well-meaning gardening friends bring pounds and pounds of these little green beauties into work each and every day looking for a good home for them...preferably yours!

No matter how small a garden we have, even if it's a balcony garden grown in pots, there is always plenty to eat with more than enough to share. Gardeners hate to see the fruits of their labor go to waste, and, in all honesty, sharing helps us show off a little bit, too.

Life lesson? There's always more than enough to share. Whether it's our time, our knowledge, our patience, our talents, our laughter, our tears, our hopes, our dreams, or (especially) our love. There's always more than enough to share.